This question is one of my ultimate hacks for shifting out of a drama spiral.
What do I need to hear?
I ask this of myself in moments of mounting tension and growing disconnect. In those crucial moments when the conflict that naturally arises between well-intentioned humans starts to slip into drama.
I'll catch myself slipping into aggression, energetically hammering or slyly jabbing.
I'll catch myself getting defensive, jaws clenched, muscles tight, shields up, an impenetrable fortress.
I'll catch myself dissociating, losing presence, getting sleepy, checking out, drifting out of connection.
I'll catch myself. Pause. And ask myself "what do I need to hear right now?"
I'll wait. Listen. And discover something precious.
I need to hear "Hmm yeah, I see where you're coming from -- you make sense, your pain makes sense."
I need to hear "Oh babe, that must be hard. I'm feeling you in your pain. I'm with you in it. You don't have to be alone in it."
I need to hear "It's okay to be a hot mess right now. I welcome you in your messiness."
I need to hear "You don't have to be perfect. You can make mistakes and I'll still love you."
I need to hear "You're scared and getting a bit controlling, and that's okay."
If I'm daring, and if it seems appropriate, I'll even reveal what I need to hear aloud.
"It would be really helpful for me to hear..."
"It would put me at ease to hear..."
"It would help me feel connected to hear..."
And sometimes when a conversation with a beloved has really veered off-course and my various attempts to create the sense of connection and being seen that I'm wanting have failed, I'll full-on speak to myself aloud and say all of the things that the most tender parts of me are wanting to hear.
"Katara, I feel you in your pain. Your pain makes sense. You make sense. I can imagine you're feeling overwhelmed, scared, lonely, etc... It must have been really hard to experience x, y, z. I know that I'm wired fundamentally differently than you, in ways that lead to a different set of perspectives, reactions, and feelings in this situation, and they make sense too. But for now, what's important for me is getting what it's like to be in your shoes. So that you can feel less alone in your pain. So that you can feel me with you, by your side, lovingly holding you as you hold yourself in your pain."
Every time I do this, it works wonders. I continue to be in awe of how effectively it helps me shift states. The armor just melts right off of me. The tender parts of me relax and sigh in relief. The stuck emotions flow and release. I can breathe more. I can see more.
And most amazingly, it short-circuits the drama spiral we were caught in. Oftentimes I feel my counterpart softening as I soften. I feel their systems coming into resonance with my own. I feel their understanding deepening and their empathy flowing.
This hack is magic.
Well, it feels like magic. But it's a phenomenon that can be explained by simple logic...
I have a need to be seen. I meet that need through seeing myself.
I have a need to be felt. I meet that need through feeling myself.
I have a need to be met. I meet that need through meeting myself.
Instead of struggling to get these needs met through my counterpart, who may or may not be available for meeting them, I simply give myself what I need directly. And because I'm both the giver and the receiver, I can give myself exactly what I'm most wanting and needing -- just the right words, just the right tone, just the right energy. There's literally nobody who can do it better than me.
And sometimes my counterpart reflects back to me what they heard me say to myself. And wow, this takes me to another degree of melting, softening, feeling, releasing, relaxing. What a blessing.
Ask me "What do you need to hear right now?"
I've instructed by beloveds to straight-up ask me this question if they notice I'm seeming guarded, distant, defensive, or aggressive.
What do you need to hear right now?
Sometimes I'll notice something that's feeling off in my counterpart.
I'll catch my counterpart slipping into aggression, energetically hammering or slyly jabbing.
I'll catch my counterpart getting defensive, jaws clenched, muscles tight, shields up, an impenetrable fortress.
I'll catch my counterpart dissociating, losing presence, getting sleepy, checking out, drifting out of connection.
I'll catch this. Pause. And ask my counterpart "what do you need to hear right now?"
I'll wait. Listen. And discover something precious.
Sometimes I'll prompt them -- speak the words you wish I would say right now.
I'll listen intently, and do my best to reflect their words back to them.
Magic.
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