Shut up. Get out of your head. And feel me.

I don’t want your apologies,

your explanations,

or your justifications.

I don’t care about any of this.

What I care about

Is simple…

Just feel me.

I want to feel you feeling me.

That’s it.

Don’t get lost in your stories of shame,

of guilt,

of blame.

I don't want these either.

Know this:

I’m not shaming you.

I'm not blaming you.

I see your innocence.

I know your goodness.

There’s no need to defend yourself.

Stand with me—

Shamelessly

Unapologetically

And just feel me

I’m asking you to be with me in this pain,

to feel me in this pain,

to let it touch you

to let the impact I feel ripple through you,

to let your body resonate with mine.

Guilt may come up

And that’s okay

Let it roll through like waves

And remember, I’m not relating to you or your actions as wrong

I can put myself in your shoes and understand where you're coming from

I have no criticisms or demands for you to be different

You're fine exactly as you are and have been

And know that I’m not making you responsible for my pain

I’m choosing pain by living this human life

I’m choosing pain by relating with other human beings

Pain is a part of the path — I do not shy away from it

So please—

don't shoulder my pain,

don't drown in guilt,

don't sink into shame.

Just feel how your actions impacted me

And, truly, responsibility and guilt are besides the point

They are constructs of the mind

Let’s get out of our heads

And just feel

So that you can feel me

And I can feel you feeling me

When you feel me,

I feel felt

When you feel me,

I feel connected to

When you feel me,

I feel understood

When you feel me,

I feel met

Whereas, in contrast…

When you get hi-jacked by guilt or shame,

I feel left

When you make yourself the focus of attention,

I feel cast aside

When you justify yourself and your ways,

I feel unseen

When you defend yourself,

I feel pushed away

And all of these things leave me feeling alone

Hurting

And alone

The aloneness often cuts deeper than the original wound

It’s really quite simple

But I get that it’s not easy

To feel me in my pain

Because you carry years of being blamed,

of being shamed,

of being told you're wrong just for being you.

This saddens me

And it’s not what I’m here to do

In fact, imagine this...

Imagine I’m sharing pain having to do with someone who isn’t you

How would you respond?

I imagine the empathy and compassion would flow more easily

The simple acknowledgment of my pain

You might notice feeling some judgment and blame towards the person who caused it

And I’d get that this would be coming from care

But judgment and blame don't heal

They’re not helpful to anyone

Whereas compassion and love are healing salve

Feeling felt in my pain is healing

Feeling you feeling my pain is repairing

I trust you more when you feel this pain

The pain that you feel in feeling my pain

When you feel it without guilt or shame

I trust it more than any words you might say

I trust it far more than an apology you might give

This pain is a teacher

This pain is a force of evolution

It is valuable data for our bodies

It is crucial input to our neural networks

Feeling it is what updates the models of our brains

Like the pain from a burn teaches us not to touch a hot stove

Those who are biologically incapable of feeling pain have a harder time learning how to stay safe

Those who resist feeling pain are deprived of learning

Those who defend against pain stunt their evolution

The pain fuels our wisdom

It keeps us safer

Ultimately it protects us

Feeling it allows us to unconsciously adapt our behavior

This is why I trust the intelligence of this pain

And I trust you more if you allow yourself to feel it

For me, this is a more true “apology”

Simply feel my pain

Blamelessly

Shamelessly

And let me feel you feeling me in my pain

Let me give you an example

Here’s a real story…

I spent a month in excruciating tension with a dear friend of mine

I reached out for reconciliation

Despite feeling agonizing pain from our interactions

My predominant feelings towards him remained love and compassion

I understood that we were unintentionally triggering one another's wounds

We were both doing our best under incredibly trying circumstances

And we were both deeply hurting

We discussed a bit about the stories that fueled our tension

We each shared our thoughts and experiences

Both sides made sense

The tension eased as we understood one another's viewpoints

I felt seen, he felt seen

We shared and listened and painted a comprehensive picture together

And yet I was still feeling incomplete

There was still tension standing between us

My body still felt contracted and armored

I paused our conversation

And introspected

I inquired what need within me was left unmet

Once the clarity came I didn’t skip a beat

I found myself asking him to simply feel me

To imagine and feel how painful it must’ve been for me

To allow himself to exist in my shoes for a few moments

He looked at me in silence for a bit

With a blank expressionless gaze

After a while, he muttered something about guilt

He gestured with his hands and indicated he was passing through layers of guilt

He was consciously trying not to get swept up in them

I gently shook my head and softly affirmed that he’d done nothing wrong

He nodded knowingly

And let the waves of guilt pass through

Then suddenly

His face became contorted with pain

And he burst into tears

I gasped

He felt me

He felt my pain

I’ll never forget that moment

Suddenly my whole body softened

A major release of held tension

And I burst into tears

Tears I hadn’t been able to access on my own

Despite all of the pain I’d been in

We sobbed together for some time

It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life

And in those few brief minutes together

All that had seemed insurmountable standing between us

Simply melted away

I felt so deeply connected to him

In fact, the most connected I’d ever felt

Feeling him feeling me

That was everything to me

So simple

I’m deeply grateful to this epic man

Who chose to step into my world

So that I could feel less alone in my pain

Who patiently and lovingly allowed the waves of guilt to move through him

Not resisting them

Not leaving the connection with me for a second

Allowing himself to be touched by the impact he’d had on me

Allowing himself to be penetrated by the pain of it

Which allowed me to touch into my own pain even more deeply

And to release it

Suddenly I was no longer alone in my pain

Experiencing the pain in loving connection swiftly transformed it

And created a deeper intimacy with the man who had created it

It was so healing

I thank this man

I trust this man

Even more after this experience

I don’t even remember if he ever spoke an apology

And it doesn’t matter

Because no apology could have given me a fraction of what he gave me

By simply feeling me in my pain

And allowing me to feel him feeling me

I’m deeply grateful to myself

For recognizing this deeper need

And asking for it so directly

I now know to ask for it in moments of tension with another

I now know to give it when someone has been impacted by me in a painful way

No apologies

Just feeling

I shut up

Get out of my head

And feel

Here’s what the most tender parts of me want to hear….

I feel you

Deeply

I feel your pain

I feel your discomfort

You make sense to me

Your feelings make sense to me

I have my own inclinations

And I’m wired fundamentally differently

I have different perspectives, reactions, feelings

And they make sense too

But for now, what’s most important is

Getting what it’s like to be in your shoes

Allowing myself to be impacted by you

Impacted by you being impacted by me

Feeling you feeling impacted by me

Such that you can feel me feeling you

I care about you

And I know you care about me

Where there’s love there’s pain

I get that I played a role in this pain

I’m not taking responsibility for it

I’m not making myself wrong

I’m not taking on any blame

I’m not taking on any shame

I’m not judging you

I’m not judging me

I’m not defending my actions

I’m not justifying my side of things

I’m not making any promises

I’m not apologizing for being me

I’m not thinking that I need to be different

I’m not thinking that you need to be different

Quite simply and plainly

I’m feeling you feeling impacted by me