"I can hardly see you behind all of your masks."
Ouch. These words felt like ten thousand punches in my gut. As Diana's coaching challenges often did.
I stopped breathing. My head spun in confusion.
I felt the part of me that resisted. A tensing in my body that challenged -- What masks? What's she talking about?
And I felt the deeper knowing and dreadful recognition of truth -- I'm hiding. I am hiding. What am I hiding? Who am I hiding? I have no idea who I am...
Fuck.
_______________
Years pass, and the answers reveal themselves loud and clear.
The more I walk my path of healing, the more I come into deeper contact with what's behind these masks...
Pain. Excruciating pain. The pain of annihilation.
Fear. Panic. Existential terror.
Anger. Rage. The drive to cause destruction.
Grief. Heartbreak. Devastating loss.
I'm hiding these painful emotions, unconsciously avoiding them at all costs. Truly, at quite a lot of costs. I'm hiding them so fiercely, that I'm hiding their very existence from myself. I'm shoving them far and deep into the shadows of my awareness. And instead presenting masks of:
"I'm fine. I'm good. I'm okay..." obscuring my pain.
"I'm sure it'll work out..." obscuring my fear.
"I'm just a nice unassuming girl. I'm no threat..." obscuring my anger.
"It's okay, I'll manage just fine..." obscuring my grief.
Okay, well of course I'd hide in these ways. Who wants to feel pain? Who wants to feel fear, anger, grief?
The even more shocking answer that continues to reveal itself is what I'm hiding most of all:
Joy. Ecstasy. Wild rapturous bliss!
Sexual energy. Creative energy. Raw unadulterated aliveness!
What the fuck?!?
Why would I hide these from myself?
_______________
Right before punching me in the gut with her reflection of my masks, Diana had looked at me with piercing eyes and said...
"When my animal body feels into your animal body, I feel your essence as pure ecstatic bliss."
A jolt of electricity shot up my spine.
I felt as though I could scream with joyful delight.
I didn't.
I felt lit up, every molecule of my being dancing in sensual pleasure.
For just half a second.
I stopped breathing. My body frozen and tense.
Full body resistance. A containment and contraction in my body that screamed -- Nope. Not okay. It's not okay to feel this. It's not okay to think this.
And I felt the deeper knowing and dawning recognition of truth -- Wow. I'm bliss. I am pure sensual erotic bliss.
Holy shit!!
Why have I been hiding myself?!
_______________
Years pass, and the answers reveal themselves loud and clear.
I have the great honor and pleasure of being on the facilitation team of a radical and revolutionary program that supports young adults in coming alive through meeting, embracing, and falling in love with every aspect of themselves. This of course includes meeting, embracing, and learning from every one of their emotions -- recognizing them as intelligent signals their body sends to help them navigate experiences and guide them towards what they want.
We cover the full spectrum of emotions -- anger, grief, fear, joy, and sexual/creative energy.
Guess which of these is reliably the one that is most resisted and the most shoved into the shadows?
It becomes remarkably clear in this program the egregious level of fear, shame, stigma, individual and collective trauma that exists around sexuality. Which causes us to hide our sexuality, suppress our sexual energy, and feel uncomfortable and untrusting of our bodies. We disconnect from our bodies, the beautiful vessels of our being. We distrust their natural impulses and stifle their natural expression.
I find this tragically heartbreaking. I feel infuriated. I fear the painful consequences we create by doing this to ourselves, and contributing to a culture that is violent to our fundamental nature as sexual beings.
We are sexual by nature.
We exist because of sex. Sex is the very fabric of life, the threads of our sexual energy weaving together to create the tapestry of our existence. Sex IS life. Our sexual energy IS our vital life energy.
And yet we suppress our sexual energy. We hide our sexual impulses, and our sexual lives.
We mask ourselves. We mask our bodies.
_______________
I'm choosing to take my masks off and be exposed in my naked truth. This includes the naked truth of my sexuality and the naked truth of my physical form.
The truth is that I love my body. I love its beauty. I love its curves. I love its sensuality. I love its sexuality. I love its femininity. I love its grace. I love its power. I love its mystery. I love its dynamism. I love its flexibility. I love its structure. I love its resilience. I love its aliveness. I love its arousal. I love its art. I love its truth.
It's taken me decades to come around to this truth -- the truth of loving my body, and the loving of my body's truth.
Decades of hiding my body from anyone's eyes, including my own. Decades of masking it with the clothes that seemed "appropriate" so that I could fit in, rather than appreciating it as the art that it is, and decorating it with the adornments that feel good to me.
And my truth, my naked truth, is that the suit I most enjoy wearing is my birthday suit. The suit I came into this world with. The suit that is my bare-naked naturalness. Full exposure of my beingness. Full contact with the natural world around me. Full intimacy without masks.
And you know what else I love about being in the simple nakedness of my body...?
I love that it invites the simple nakedness of my inner truth. The outer nakedness promotes my inner nakedness.
_______________
I was swimming in the rivers of Siquijor Island in the Philippines. My desire and intention for being there was to connect with my roots, my ancestry. The dominance of Catholicism introduced by Spanish colonization deeply ingrained conservative attitudes towards sexuality and nudity in the Philippines. Thus bathing suits were a hard requirement for swimming.
I was in this gorgeous river, surrounded by lush nature, and somehow found myself feeling agitated and frustratingly disconnected from the beauty that surrounded me.
I was about to leave. In a decisive moment of rebellion I cast off my bathing suit and placed myself back into the fresh waters of the river. I was just slightly out of sight upstream of the waterfall where several tourists were being entertained.
Within moments my body relaxed, the tension melted off of me, and I began crying in grief and joy. I felt free. I felt connected to the land of my ancestors. I felt the joy and relief of feeling this contact. I felt the heartbreaking pain of having lived a life feeling so disconnected from my roots. I felt the relief of my inner truth revealing itself.
And I felt gratitude and awe that shedding the mask covering my body resulted in shedding the mask covering my emotions. I felt recognition and amazement that my outer nakedness unveiled my my inner nakedness.
And so I consciously choose to rebel. To reveal my naked truth... through revealing my naked body, and celebrating the sacred art that my body is.
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